Sorry, it’s not you…it’s France.
Unlike if you immigrate to America, you can live in France for 30 years and never truly be considered a local.
I will speak French, have French children, own property here — but I will always be an American in a foreign land. That said, there are many other reasons beyond language and upbringing that prevent me or anyone else from being French. Unfortunately it takes more than a striped shirt and a beret.
50 Reasons Why You Will Never Be French
- When presented with a cheese plate, you have no idea what the “correct” order to eat them in is.
- You have credit card debt (credit cards you keep a balance on don’t exist in France).
- While drinking wine you have never uttered the words “terroir,” “appellation,” or “New World wine.”
- You have shaved your thighs (French girls don’t).
- Eggs and omelets are not a dinner food to you.
- You eat in your car.
- Your microwave doesn’t have a special button for heating up coffee and croissants.
- You have to pick up your dog’s poop.
- Two months of vacation time a year is unfathomable to you.
- Wine and dessert at lunch really does seem like overkill.
- You eat cheese before a meal (In France it is always between the main course and dessert).
- What is aqua-biking and why would you put an exercise bike in a pool?
- You’d be really weirded out if you went to the market and the meat still had heads, feet or fur on it.
- You moved out of your parents home for college.
- You have bleached your teeth.
- You put on “leisurewear” as soon as you get home from work.
- You wear your pajamas well into the afternoon on weekends.
- Your apartment has air conditioning.
- You call French Bulldogs “French Bulldogs” instead of just “Bulldogs.
- You snack.
- You don’t even know how to pronounce epilator, but the description sounds like a torture device.
- You let the waiter pour your wine at dinner.
- You put your piece of bread on a plate and not directly on the table.
- When you rent an apartment you expect it to come with appliances.
- You wear pajamas or yoga pants to run errands.
- You go to brunch in a full Lululemon outfit.
- You still think it’s really best to get married before having children together.
- You care who your politicians sleep with.
- You don’t say hello and goodbye every time you enter and leave a store.
- You don’t air kiss everyone you meet.
- You’re a man and wear shorts anywhere but the beach or on vacation.
- You’re a man and have worn a tank top.
- You mostly smile with your teeth showing.
- You smile a lot in public and laugh loudly too.
- You enjoy a coffee bigger than five sips.
- You like to walk around with a coffee.
- You like your movies with happy endings…and a plot.
- You use a curling iron.
- You look at the bright side of a situation more than you gripe.
- You wear a lot of makeup.
- You like to let loose when you dance.
- Smoking is socially unacceptable to you.
- Why would you ever want to eat a snail, a frog, a cheese so stinky it makes your eyes water, a pigeon or a congealed pork blood sausage?
- You don’t own a Speedo (they are required at public pools, apparently for hygienic reasons).
- House and Electro music just don’t do it for you.
- You pay for healthcare. And college. And all your childcare. And you save for retirement.
- You’ve never heard of an apéro, nor do you understand why it is so important.
- You drive a giant SUV and like it.
- You like your cuisine spicy.
- You talk about work (or money) at a party.
Did I miss anything? Leave a comment and share why you will never be French!
(Photo: Paris Match magazine, 1966)