50 Reasons You Will Never Be French

Sorry, it’s not you…it’s France.

Unlike if you immigrate to America, you can live in France for 30 years and never truly be considered a local.

I will speak French, have French children, own property here — but I will always be an American in a foreign land. That said, there are many other reasons beyond language and upbringing that prevent me or anyone else from being French. Unfortunately it takes more than a striped shirt and a beret.

50 Reasons Why You Will Never Be French

1. When presented with a cheese plate, you have no idea what the “correct” order to eat them in is.
2. You have credit card debt (credit cards you keep a balance on don’t exist in France).
3. While drinking wine you have never uttered the words “terroir,” “appellation,” or “New World wine.”
4. You have shaved your thighs (French girls don’t).
5. Eggs and omelets are not a dinner food to you.
6. You eat in your car.
7. Your microwave doesn’t have a special button for heating up coffee and croissants.
8. You have to pick up your dog’s poop.
9. Two months of vacation time a year is unfathomable to you.
10. Wine and dessert at lunch really does seem like overkill.
11. You eat cheese before a meal (In France it is always between the main course and dessert).
12. What is aqua-biking and why would you put an exercise bike in a pool?
13. You’d be really weirded out if you went to the market and the meat still had heads, feet or fur on it.
14. You moved out of your parents home for college.
15. You have bleached your teeth.
16. You put on “leisurewear” as soon as you get home from work.
17. You wear your pajamas well into the afternoon on weekends.
18. Your apartment has air conditioning.
19. You call French Bulldogs “French Bulldogs” instead of just “Bulldogs.”
20. You snack.
21. You don’t even know how to pronounce epilator, but the description sounds like a torture device.
22. You let the waiter pour your wine at dinner.
23. You put your piece of bread on a plate and not directly on the table.
24. When you rent an apartment you expect it to come with appliances.
25. You wear pajamas or yoga pants to run errands.
26. You go to brunch in a full Lululemon outfit.
27. You still think it’s really best to get married before having children together.
28. You care who your politicians sleep with.
29. You don’t say hello and goodbye every time you enter and leave a store.
30. You don’t air kiss everyone you meet.
31. You’re a man and wear shorts anywhere but the beach or on vacation.
32. You’re a man and have worn a tank top.
33. You mostly smile with your teeth showing.
34. You smile a lot in public and laugh loudly too.
35. You enjoy a coffee bigger than five sips.
36. You like to walk around with a coffee.
37. You like your movies with happy endings…and a plot.
38. You use a curling iron.
39. You look at the bright side of a situation more than you gripe.
40. You wear a lot of makeup.
41. You like to let loose when you dance.
42. Smoking is socially unacceptable to you.
43. Why would you ever want to eat a snail, a frog, a cheese so stinky it makes your eyes water, a pigeon or a congealed pork blood sausage?
44. You don’t own a Speedo (they are required at public pools, apparently for hygienic reasons).
45. House and Electro music just don’t do it for you.
46. You pay for healthcare. And college. And all your childcare. And you save for retirement.
47. You’ve never heard of an apéro, nor do you understand why it is so important.
48. You drive a giant SUV and like it.
49. You like your cuisine spicy.
50. You talk about work (or money) at a party.

Did I miss anything? Leave a comment and share why you will never be French!

(Top photo: Paris Match magazine, 1966)